Dec 2013 23
Mon December 23, 2013 11:27:23 pm
I am an absolute and complete piece of horses**t. I am never able to accomplish any of the things that I want to. I just started university at McGill University and I had to withdraw from one class due to incompetence. I want to take it again just to prove that I can actually do it. Until then, I have to suffocate into despair by looking at my s**tty, first semester transcript, which currently has a W, an A and the other marks have not been posted yet.
I fail at everything. I took a year off, waiting for my residency, and made a short film in it, but I'm so pissed off with how it ended up turning out. While I really liked the script, which I wrote as I studied Robert McKee's Story and after taking screenwriting classes at U of T (all this during the year off), there were some members of the team who were not that effective and it shows. It bloody shows. It was also my first time directing such a big crew. At least 20 people. And my previous experience consisted solely on student films (about 25 short films... although none managed to win 1st prize at any festival. I didn't submit to too many due to fear but I wish the outcome were different. Just honorable mentions)
On top of that, the short film, which has moments I like, drowns in HORRIBLE sound problems and the actor looks at the camera for one second in one of the shots which freaking kills me but it's too late.
Then for some reason, the colours look different in EVERY SCREEN and it bugs me to death. In some they look right, in others they look so wrong that when people see it and it all looks wrong I just want to lock myself up and die.
Other than that, I'm trying to read a book called Sophie'S Choice and take notes on it and memorize them, but it'S taking me so long. I'm on my break right now and I'm so unproductive and lazy that I've only read 73 pages so far and only about 12 pages of notes.
I'm also doing the list of festivals that I want to submit my short in. I only have about 11 festivals on the list so far. Not enough. I'm looking exclusively at ones with no fee for submission. But I haven't been on it and I haven't been more rigourous in the search. I can't believe that I have no energy. Exams killed me despite my awfully "easy" schedule (easy for others, but it was hard for a dumbass like me).
I'm so freaking scared of everything all the time. I've tried writing short stories also, in the hopes of also becoming a writer, but I only have about 12 projects on a computer drive, all incomplete and messy. 2 are novel projects with about 20 pages each and more stuff that needs polishing, the rest of short stories in progress, none complete or satisfactory enough either.
I am such a f**king failure. I play the piano and not even as well as I'd like. No teacher. Been self-teaching myself for the last 3 years on a small piano that is missing an octave high and an octave low, so I don't even have all the notes to play the Chopin Nocturne that I want to be able to play but haven't been able to fully pull off (as everything in my life, it's a work in progress).
I wish I could play guitar and accordion but haven't gotten on it. Got like 1 lesson for each but ran out of money and could not continue. F**king hate myself.
Did I mention I can't even drive due to the failure that I am? I also did not take Calculus or Chemistry in Grade 12... just so you get how much of a void my intellect is.
I locked myself in the bathroom today and did some cutting to my arm out of frustration. It happens from time to time as a form of punishment for not accomplishing what I want.
My mom and friends all tell me to relax and take it easy but whenever I do the quality of my work decreases and my marks go down. I got a freaking 63% on my first university midterm! All because I was too relaxed and chill and didn't do a hardcore study session, just a light review. INCOMPETENCE ON MY PART. Looking back I know I could've gotten a 90% had I done things differently.
So here I am being a freaking piece of s**t that is completely useless. A failure as an academic. A failure as an artist. An UBER/SUICIDE-WORTHY failure as a "scientist" (something that can never happen due to all my voids, incompetence and insecurity.)
I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH I HAVE A HARD TIME LIVING WITH MYSELF DUE TO HOW MUCH OF A PIECE OF S**T I AM.
I FEEL LIKE AN EMBARRASSMENT TO HUMANITY. If our society was not the way it is and if we lived in the Stone Age I would not survive. DARWIN'S THEORY OF EVOLUTION WOULD WORK AGAINST ME COS I'M USELESS FOR DEVELOPMENT AND EVOLUTION.
I F**KING HATE MYSELF AND IT'S ALL MY FREAKING FAULT. I WISH I HAD A BELT TO WIPE MY BACK IN SELF-PUNISHMENT FOR FAILURE.
Tue December 31, 2013 10:14:03 pm]
Wow are you kidding me? Your life sounds amazing! I wish I had even half the size of your courage to do what you did. I lived a mediocre life with mediocre success and it's boring and drab. But you get to saw you wrote short stories, made a film, ventured out on your own for residency, taught yourself to play an instrument (a difficult one at that) - all things I wish I was brave enough to do. I always played it safe. Trust me, you will look back on your life and be grateful for the amazing experiences you've had - good AND bad. You are definitely hard on yourself, friend. If I had even the inkling of courage to do what you do, I'd be in a much better place in my life right now. I'm fine, but life hasn;t been very exciting. Keep your head up, keep chugging away and you will see your work pay off. ps> We all get a few bad grades in college - I had at least 3-4 W's and a couple C's. They will overlook those with the rest of your grades, and once you start working, mo one cares anymore.