Jan 2010 02

lately i've been just so disappointed in myself. i feel like i'm using my familys' hard-earned-money and i can't stop. i can't find a job, nor have i tried. i just feel like such a bother, i need so many things and i want so many things. and i thought i could maybe even it out by getting good grades, but no matter how hard i try, i can't do it. i'm lazy and i know i'm lazy and i set all these daily goals for myself that never get accomplished even if i remind myself. i just keep putting things off and further off. and i sit and imagine the life i could live if i wanted and i'm totally capable of doing so but i don't know where to begin. i feel like i need a fresh start, but that would require moving my whole family from our first house that we got two or three years ago. and i just don't know what i want anymore. like a normal teenager, i want a boyfriend. i know that. and there's this guy who likes me and is just wonderful towards me. i just don't like him, and i don't know why. i should. he's my type, he's what a girl would want but i just don't know. and i have a few friends, not plenty. i have plenty of acquaintances though. i think to myself that i want more friends, that i should initiate hanging out with people, but i just can't bring myself to it.and i just see this life and it's perfect. i just don't know how to start without starting over. i see myself having lots of friends and energy to talk to everyone during school. then after school i'd come home and study for at least an hour. then i'd go to my job at a fast food joint or at the mall. and i'd hang out with my boyfriend for a little while after work or with my friends. im just so tired of wasting time and my life but i don't know why i can't do what i want, and things just never turn out as they seem. i mean, i do have good days. i'm social, energetic, i feel like i'm going somewhere in life. i feel normal. those days are few and far in between. most days i feel like are wasted. like i'll sit down to study and do my homework, but i'll just end up sitting there. thinking. not getting anything done. and then it's time to sleep. and i frantically wright something down and hope for the best. i mean, i even see my teachers about extra work and i feel good, accomplished. but then i sit down to do the extra work and i end up sitting there again. i think i have something wrong with my brain, i've asked to see a head doctor but my parents don't believe in that sort of thing. they think it's mumbo-jumbo i just don't know. i feel like dying, like that would be the best way to start over. but i can't. i keep hoping for something better, and it hasn't come. i think i have anxiety or depression or something. i don't even know.

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