Sep 2013 16
Mon September 16, 2013 11:37:54 pm
For as long as I can remember I have been verbally and mentally abused by my family, friends and significant others. Even though I am an adult (22 years old) The comments they have made about me still haunt me to this day. My mother would tell me she wish I was never born that I was a mistake that she should of gotten an abortion shes always telling me how ugly I am calls me a bitch and other names tells me how she wishes I was more like my sisters, my middle sister is her favorite and she always puts it in my face how she likes her more then me.. My dad calls me stupid dumb idiot dummy and other names..no matter how hard they see me do my best and try to succeed it is never good enough for them im always there worst child, the devil child they like to call me. I want a good relationship with them and the older I got I thought it would happen but it doesnt happen..I almost want to change myself completely, become a new person. This has destroyed me as a whole. I have a boyfriend of over a year, he makes me happy more than anything in this world, he gives me an escape from all the pain I feel, but sometimes I take that pain and anger out on him and I feel soo bad, he only tries to help me and I push him away. Its horrible i always say he deserves so much better than me and sometimes i fight on purpose so hed break up with me and find someone else that will appreciate him. i just want to see him happy even if I am unhappy. I just get so depressed i dont want to talk to anyone and i end up shutting him out, i dont know what to do anymore i feel so lost, I thought by this age id have it together, but i messed everything up along the way. now i dont know what to do with myself. I have a guy who loves me and im ruining it because of all the abuse i endured by my ex's calling me hoes bitches sluts ugly stupid putting me down i still think of all that it doesnt go away, friends using me getting in to fights them stealing my stuff now i cant trust anyone any more, i dont know who to trust now. i dont know maybe i caused all this upon myself but alli know is that i want to make it better now and i dont know how to..i just want to love and be loved freely, no pain, no depression just love.
Wed September 25, 2013 02:07:00 am]
I'm so sorry to hear what yuo're going through. It sounds like you have a good thing in your boyfriend and you should try to strengthen that relationship while (at least temporarily) severing the one with your parents. They are dragging you down but you should be growing. 22 may seem old but you're still very young with lots of cultivating in your own life. This is the best time of your life to become something, do things and become the best you. So put yourself in the best possible situation to do so.