Mar 2013 30

The consequence of every mistake I've ever made. It's taking every ounce of strength to keep my razor from my veins. I've had a pretty good couple of weeks actually, all the dark thoughts and been tucked away in a corner of my mind where they have no power. But all of a sudden, tonight for some reason, all I can do is replay everything wrong I've done, every mistake I've made, all I can do is realize how royally and absolutely I f**ked myself. The saddest thing is that I'm starting to think that miserable is my "happy". That I keep doing this to myself on purpose because it's what I've known for the longest time. That I'll never be happy in the classical sense of the word, and well, that's a terrifying thought.

[by Me on Mon April 1, 2013 12:01:16 am]
NO! Miserable is not your happy, it's no one's happy. Don't let those thoughts get the best of you. I hate hate hate those thoughts. The ones that infiltrate my mind, that convince me that my life is horrible, that I'll always feel like this. DO NOT believe that's who you are. This is just a period in your life - trust me, I've had multiple dark patches - but it always gets better. And if it doesn't, get help! I was doing pretty well going in and out of horrible periods but then I finally realized I needed help. And let me tell you, talking to someone, getting meds to stabilize my mood (I dont take it 24/7, but in patches as recommended by my doctor) and things are so much better. You will feel this way too. No matter what mistakes you've made in the past, you can always move past it. ALWAYS.

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