Jul 2011 07

I hate feeling like i do.
I feel like i don't belong anywhere. Like i wasn't suppose to be born. Not like i want to commit suicide just that i DON'T BELONG. I can't see myself having a future. I can't even see myself going to high school in 2 months. I can't imagine having a job, getting married, having kids. Driving. Having my own house. It just doesn't seem possible for me. I don't think i'll even make it in high school to begin with. I don't understand any of the stuff we learned in 8th grade but barely passed with all D's. Life just seems so much easier to everyone else. Everyone seems to understand the math before i do and everyone is better at me at EVERYTHING. I'm absolutely terrible at every single sport in the world. I'm terrible at every single school subject there is. I try and thats the sad part i just DON'T GET IT. I don't get the school work or i just can't make the ball into the hoop in basketball. Another thing, my bestfriend, whom i love to death, is absolutely amazing at everything she does and outshines me at everything. I can't even introduce her to other people because they ALWAYS end up liking her better than me. Guys always ask her out before they ask me out. She is EVERYONES friend but she is one of my few friends. The only thing i think is good about me is that once you get to know me, i can be the best friend you have ever had. I'll be trustworthy, nice...ect. But no one ever seems to want to get to know me. I just end up getting made fun of. Honestly i don't understand why i even open my mouth anymore because every time i do, someone criticizes me. Maybe i laugh weird or my voice is annoying or my teeth are ugly. ANYTHING i am completely nice to everyone i meet and they always end up finding something to say to ruin myself esteem just a little bit more. And when someone says something like, i have a weird chin or my thighs are too fat, i am insecure about that one thing forever. There are still some things i worry about that people told me in like 5th grade. People have no idea what some of the things you say can affect a person. i really don't understand the point of living in the first place. For me anyways. I basically don't have a dad. My mom works most the week so i am forced to stay at home and do NOTHING. We have no Tv. I have no friends who live close by. Or anyone who lives close by. I hardly get to leave the house because i don't have a car! My bestfriend is grounded all summer so i have no one to hang out with. I just don't see the point of sitting at home all day doing nothing. My day literally goes like this 5/7 days of the week: Wake up, go on the computer, eat, computer for about 5 hours, eat, talk on the phone for 3 hours, sleep and it all starts over again. I just don't think i have any purpose in this world. I don't think i'll go anywhere at all in life. Really, i'm not going to commit suicide but i can't wait until the day i die so i can be with god and get rid of all this pointlessness and all this pain i feel everyday from strangers and people i go to school with. I am nothing.

[by Anon on Thu July 7, 2011 07:01:47 pm]
Im not trying to be mean but it sounds to me like you are so busy feeling sorry for yourself that you dont step back and realize that this hardship you face can be turned into an opportunity to suprise people. You will have to work hard and hard to do it, but im sure you can. School is easy for some while people like you and me have to try for it. Out of school activities are the same way, practice and pay attention outside of the activity and give it your all during the activity. It doesnt matter if your the best, or most talented, or whatever. You have just got to try and try hard, trust me i know

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