Oct 2009 31

They say high school is the most stressful time of your life. I believe that. But it's doing much more to me than stressing me out. I've inherited the black dog of depression from both sides of the family, which has a long streak of it. Half my nuclear family is on meds, and if things keep going like they are for me, it'll be 4.5. It sucks knowing everyday that stupid things like not being invited to that party or getting a low grade can utterly devastate my self-esteem and completely shatter my mood, which may as well be just a glass wall. And it sucks even more knowing that none of this could have been avoided, and that no matter how many Vitamin D supplement pills I take for my S.A.D. or how many hours of the full-specturm light I absorb or how many therapy sessions I go to I'll still just be the lonely sophomore who likes to think he's funny and has good ideas and is a skilled musician but really just sits at home desperately checking his email for a facebook update, wasting his time playing online shooters, not spending quality time with any real friends, longing for someone to explain to him what the hell is going on and why exactly he acts like this and how this is just a phase that will all be over in a few years, unless he keeps having this mindset, in which case it's inevitable that he'll end up cutting his life short within the next decade. though this doesn't really help it feels good to get this off my chest, and not have to explain every word to a therapist

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