Sep 2013 09

I hate who I've become. I hate what I'm doing. I hate what I look like. I hate literally everything about myself. I'm not doing anything wrong. In fact compared to where I was a year and a half ago I've made good progress. But I'm still not happy. My life is still not what I want it to be. I'm stuck in a perpetual state of being a teenager, despite the fact that I'm almost 20. I just can't grow up, with the economy how it is, I'm living with my parents and will be for a long time, since I'm going to college and can't afford to live on my own. I don't even want to go to college. I'm studying business, but in class I think to myself, "Why am i learning how to run a business from a guy in a sport coat who never had his own business, probably never even tried, who probably also learned how to run a business from a guy who's just like him?" Those who can't do, teach, am I right? My life is just so uncertain right now, like I have a plan but I don't know if its working and it frustrates me. I'm still alone, never had a girlfriend, never been kissed, never been in trouble. I feel like I've missed out on the finer points of being a teenager. I know I stayed out of a lot of trouble, but I still feel like I missed out. I don't know, I'm just so frustrated and worried all the time. I hit a real rough patch last year for the same reason, its coming again. I was getting better. The person who helped me through it, I can't go to her again for the same s**t. I can't let her down like that... I know that she would want to know, and I know that she would want to help. But I can't admit to her that I've fallen in the same rut. I absolutely CANNOT let her down. I love her too much to be weak for her. Not that it matters a whole lot because we may or may not have a future together. That's another whole complicated mess. I'm just really overwhelmed with my life, and I have to be strong and push through it for everyone around me. I have to be as much of an adult as I possibly can be so that maybe eventually everyone will see me as that. It f**king sucks... I've never really been able to just be normal, I've never been able to be a f**king kid, or be a f**king teenager. My parents always pushed me to be better than that. and now here I am, almost twenty, and I'm still not a f**king adult. I'm still living with my parents, still going to school. I still feel like I'm in high school. I just want to give up.

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