Sep 2013 29

I don't know how to communicate with people and they don't know how to communicate with me and its this big mess and just thinking about it makes me cry. I want to get close to people I really do but I'm just so awkward and I cant communicate with them because I just get this ball of anxiety in my chest whenever they ask me something especially, "Are you ok?" because I have to decide my answer and I have to try to determine how honest they want me to be, like is this a long talk or is it just a pleasantry? and everything that comes out of my mouth I constantly worry about how it sounds, like was it weird? did I sound like an asshole? did it offend them? I just can't figure out how to communicate with other people, and I hate it. I want to be close to people and I want to laugh and make jokes with them and just talk. But I can't because I just worry constantly about everything I say. and I'm really not ok, but I cant just say that because then they'll worry unless I tell them why and that would be a hurricane of crazy coming out of my mouth which would just make me anxious and that's part of why I'm not ok. I'm never honest when people ask me how I'm doing even when they're genuinely concerned about me, because at this point it would take like 15 minutes of me nonstop talking about everything that's wrong with me and my life, and it would all sound crazy. So I just say I'm fine, and the wall that is between me and every other person I've ever know gets stronger because its a wall of lies. Its all very confusing and a giant mess and I don't know what to do anymore, so I mostly just ignore it all as best I can and sleep my life away but thats no way to live so I try to figure out how to fix it but I cant because I don't know how and just, I'm done.

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