Dec 2011 05
Mon December 5, 2011 03:33:58 pm
Had enough of my life. I don't understand why I could not have died all that time ago.
I lived, only to suffer from the sight of my ugly face in the mirror, the hatred of society, the nagging of my family, and the prosecution of my enemies.
I know that I will never be happy again, that I will live with regrets of how things could have been. My mental condition will never truly go away. I will die without friends. I will die a virgin. I will die without ever tasting the life I want to live.
And on top of that, I cant kill myself. It is not that im afraid of death. I am in fact afraid of living longer, and the pain that will come with it.
I cannot kill myself because there are a few people that love me.
Even with the fact that I am a screw up, that cannot be employed or help them pay bills, they love me. They are the greatest people that live on this Earth, to love a s**t stain like me. I cannot kill them. I do not want them to suffer.
Mon December 5, 2011 03:35:09 pm]
*myself, not "them". I cannot kill MYSELF because they will suffer.
Tue December 6, 2011 08:18:27 pm]
I felt exactly that way once, and was convinced I'd never get better, and eventually I managed to, for the record books. This book helped a bit. had some therapy too. Maybe meds could be useful., some over-the-counter stuff like vitamin D, omega-3, SAM-E, milk thistle extract, etc. Hope you manage to find your way.
Tue December 6, 2011 08:20:40 pm]
Book was "Feeling Good: The new Mood Therapy"
Thu December 8, 2011 11:23:56 pm]
I was coming to vent but you kind of took the words out of my mouth
Fri December 9, 2011 02:33:36 am]
Good for you! For being absolutely unselflish, and sticking it out for the people that love you. I know you think of yourself as a s**t stain, but man, I gotta tell you that doing something selfless like that, while feeling like crap under crap, is a very great thing to do. The people that love you, they are grateful for it.
As for having had enough of life, I'm not sure how old you are, but I remember feeling that way when I was younger. I'm in my 30s now, and am sure glad I stuck it out. My life is now in no way perfect, or even near perfect, but I'm grateful for surviving the turmoil of my youth.
I'm pretty sure I did some stuff that will permanently damage me, but I'm still here, surviving, making something of myself, as little as it is. And finally making those people that "loved my unconditionally" also feel proud as well. And boy, does that feel f**king good.