Nov 2012 18

I\\\'ve never been one to say much, often keeping feelings, thoughts inside. Throughout high school, upon my quiet group of friends, I may have been the one with the most life experience and a more open mind, and always wanting to do things. I guess during the last year or two, I eventually gave up asking them to go out because commonalities between us barely existed and I felt like constant rejection sucked. Perhaps I could\\\'ve set out to find a new set of friends, and I always did long for one (or a second set) but high school is weird and my old friends I used to reconnect with felt a kind of strangeness with the idea as well and nothing ever worked out.

Starting college, I was perfectly content making new friends and straying away from all things high school but now I\\\'ve crossed into a problem. It\\\'s not that I lack social skills, but I find it difficult to continue or start up conversations. Maybe it\\\'s because I don\\\'t like talking about myself or because I simply just don\\\'t know the person well enough to ask them about certain things. The first friend I met at school, I almost immediately understood how friendly she was. She loved meeting new people and was always striking up some kind of conversation (a lot of it was about herself). The second girl I met in college was \\\"nice\\\" I thought. I truly believed she was a kind soul and interested in becoming friends with me. We instantly exchanged contact information and saved each other seats in class, saw each other at lunches and after school. It was cool and I really dug it, but nothing gold lasts forever. A week later after I met her (or a few days), we met another guy in our classes and he was so in love with her. He followed us around after class and talked a lot with her. Eventually it was the two of them... and whenever I was with them, I felt like a third wheel. I still do. And this is where the problem lies.

She, the second person I really met at school, is super social (as much as she claims to be \\\"inverted\\\") and okay fair enough, but I realized how much I really do lack in conversation. With both my first friends I realized I\\\'m suddenly losing out on bringing whatever up, and it sucks because she (the second person) is hanging out with other kids from our classes outside of school and we haven\\\'t even hung out outside of school yet. It\\\'s weird. Maybe I\\\'m jealous but I think I\\\'m treated differently as well. She often complains to me about school work, asks me to email her my assignments.. I doubt she does this with the other kids. As my first friend puts it, she treats me like her bitch, which is pretty rude. It\\\'s true though, I noticed and we don\\\'t hang out as much anymore but that\\\'s also because if we are, the boy who is still in love with her will be with us and I am a f**king third wheel. Cool.

I guess I need to find things to say to people, but I don\\\'t know how or what. Because when they\\\'re talking they talk about her other friends outside of school and I don\\\'t know how he knows of all this stuff, but she never told me... it\\\'s weird. Maybe he\\\'s just nosier than me but seriously. I feel like I\\\'m just tailing them around, and maybe part of it is that I realized she\\\'s a huge flirt and perhaps she doesn\\\'t realize it, but she definitely does not lead him off (a whole other story).

So the other day I met with friend 1 and her other friend for lunch. The whole time the two of them chatted about old high school friends etc and I had no clue. At the end of lunch her friend says to me, \\\"You\\\'re really quiet. You should talk more.\\\" So how am I supposed to talk more when I have no idea who or what you\\\'re talking about? How do I fit in a word? How do I fit myself into the conversation?

Somebody help me understand. I just don\\\'t know.

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