Jun 2013 01
In Too Deep
Sat June 1, 2013 01:30:02 am
I'm not sure where to even begin because I've never told a soul about this, because I've dragged everyone I've ever cared about in my life into this lie. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone, so there's no one I could tell this to that it wouldn't effect. I feel like if I get this off my shoulders it will be easier to end the lie, and hopefully some of your unbiased opinions will help..
I guess I'll start from the beginning, when I was a baby my grandma babysat me, my brother, my sister, and another family of four boys. One my age, one three years older than me (my brothers age), one five years older, and one 7 years older. She stopped babysitting them when I was around a year old so I never knew much about them other than what I was told until I got older. These boys became the most popular kids in the county, especially the ones 3 and 5 years older than me. 3 because of his sense of humor, and after 7 died in a four wheeler accident, his bad attitude and suicidal thoughts. But 5 was the most popular because he played basketball (a big deal in my county because we don't have football) and also because he was super charming and cute. They live in a town and go to a school right beside my town.
Here's where the lie comes in, when I was younger I wasn't very pretty and too smart for my own good. I was a bit narcissistic. In 6th grade I decided to make a fake profile on Facebook and message 5 and talk to him. He developed feelings for the fake and wanted to meet but obviously I couldn't do that. So they would make plans and right before she would cancel. Usually he would just get over it but one time it got out of hand. They made plans and he drove to the town where she was supposedly from and I planned on canceling before he got there but he wouldn't take no for an answer and he already had the alleged address so there was nothing I could do. I kept trying to talk him out of it but he wouldn't give up. Then he got to the town (an hour away) and the address was bogus, the road didn't exist. And later I found out he tarted crying, and he had bought her flowers. I felt awful so I ended it then.
This guy is in a strange way the perfect guy for me, and it might sound f**ked up but it's the truth. He's a softy, a great guy. And I hurt him badly, he never knew who the fake girl really was but he found out she was fake eventually.
But somehow for my sick twisted mind that wasn't enough. I was selfish and I missed him. So I made another fake profile, but I didn't contact him first, I set it up to where he contacted her and somehow that made me feel better about what I was doing. Like he asked for it, idk. But he fell even harder for this girl, I think in a weird way he might've loved her. They were basically inseparable until one day he got tired of the excuses why they couldn't meet and said that they were done unless they met and I couldn't make that happen so I just gave it a break. Then one day out of the blue he texted her and just said "Hey" and they started talking like nothing ever happened pretty much, he didn't want to talk about why they stopped talking or why he wanted to start again and he even wasn't eager to meet until one day he started again. I made up and excuse about her being sick with something that might be cancer and that she needed time on her own without him. And he said if they stopped talking this time they would never start again and they needed to meet or he was done also. And I couldn't let that happen so agreed to meet and cleverly maneuvered around meeting, made him suggest times and claim to be busy at every time. He was sweeter than ever, but that only lasted for a few days. I honestly can't even remember what made us stop talking the last time, it's all gotten jumbled up in my head, all the secrets all the lies.
I just signed a modeling contract and I'm popular now, I don't need to bother with this loser stuff now. Yet I'm hooked on him, I can't stop. I just made a different account, I haven't started talking to him yet. And hopefully I can keep myself from it, I know ts wrong yet it's still entertainment to me somehow. I disgust myself, yet I can't control my urges to do these things. I could probably even have him as myself, but it wouldn't feel right.. Like I don't even want him as myself. It's something about messing with his head that gets me I guess. Idk. I'm so messed up.
We follow each other on twitter and he subtly acknowledges me occasionally, like he wants me to notice it. But idk what that means? I don't know if it means he knows what I've done, or he just crushes on me. But it's definitely a message.
But that's not even the beginning of the lies about them. Even though their family and my family are friends we don't really hang out or anything. But I've come up with this elaborate lie, that I can play people off of each other to make it seem even more believable, it's crazy. Like my friend could go up to my mom and say something about me and the boys being close and my mom would think it's true, and confirm to my friend that it is, even though its not.
It started by me telling my mom that 3 texted me and said hey. Like he had a crush on me and I didn't like him. But the way that I was so obsessed with talking about it made my mom think that I liked him. I denied it at first, but cleverly "admitted" later. (The real reason I was so obsessed was because I was adding on to my lie but my mom thought I was crushing so by admitting it I was ending her curiosity before she found out), this went on for months. My mom works at Walmart and 3 hangs out in the Walmart parking lot with his friends, so I would go to work with my mom and say that I was hanging out with him while she was working when really I was in the car coming up with a story to tell her about what happened. I did this almost all summer long. I even texted myself as him and even texted her as him a few times with texting app numbers.
Then I started lying to my best friend about it, and she bought it too. Then slowly it changed from me and him having a thing to our families hanging out all the time. Because our families did actually know each other the lie was manageable. But me and that friend stopped hanging out and I got two new best friends and I lied to them about it too. But they were more superficial so I didn't tell them about me and 3 having a thing, I just said our families were close and told them funny stories, that were like a parable to describe myself in a way. The things that happened in my fake stories, were things that would happen to someone like me yet didn't, and were more exciting. I enjoyed interesting them, because I was otherwise boring. I had to be a fake person to get in good with these popular friends, but now I'm real as can be, probably more real than before, and they love me. It's weird. But anyway, this is when I started to transition between lame and popular. And now lying is not of a habit than anything, I usually don't bring up my "parables" I just go along with them if my friends say something or as a question. But occasionally I catch myself lying without even thinking and then get mad at myself. Now that me and these boys are on the same page as far as popularity I'm worried about my lie getting back to them. I'm trying to stop but can't. I've lied to everyone about this, and I can't do it anymore. It's gonna come back to bite me if I don't stop soon, I know it. But it's just so hard when you're this deep in. Please guys, any advice? I know I'm a compulsive liar, but I'm really trying to be better and just live a normal teenage life. I'm happy with myself now, it's not about happy or unhappy, I'm just in too deep to turn back now. Please help
Tue June 4, 2013 01:01:28 am]
This is probably not what you're going to want to hear, but it's the only thing that'll bring you peace. You have to stop lying, and if you can, start telling the truth. If you can't tell the truth, at least stop lying so not to spread it anymore. I was in your shoes, for the last 10 years, constructing elaborate lies about my boyfriend, my lifestyle, thinking it would never affect my future. But here I am now, 10 years later, wanting to marry him, and slowly for the last 2 years, having to unravel my lies. Sometimes I get caught in them, sometimes I make excuses, but despite how the truth comes out, let me tell you that it's bringing me so much peace. I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders, and that's what lying does. Unnecessary anxiety, stress and worry, that somehow, someday someone might find out. You become paranoid and distrustful of anyone. It's a horrible horrible way to live. You fortunately sound like you're young enough to change things and not inflict any real damage on people. When you're young, your heart gets broken, you get over it. But don't wait until you keep getting older and you do some real damage. If you're going to do it for anyone, do it for yourself. Trust me, you don't want to live that dark life.
Tue June 4, 2013 01:59:40 am]
Thanks. I know that I have to stop, it's mostly precautionary lies anymore. I don't think that I'll ever be able to admit or confess to anyone about what I've done, I know that that's the only way to bring this to an immediate end, but in a small town everyone knows everyone, you can't change your friends or meet new people who don't know you because everyone knows you. So I'm hoping if I don't talk about it, people will forget. But lying has become such a habit that sometimes it just comes out and you have to beat yourself up about it later. I'm honest surprised no one has found out already. But again, thanks. I'm glad to hear that someone else has done some of the same things I have.
Tue June 25, 2013 10:11:22 pm]
I'm proud of you that you were honest in your post. That shows a lot of courage.