Sep 2013 23
Mon September 23, 2013 11:55:01 pm
I would like to know what exactly did you see in me the first time you met me. What did you see in me that made you want to hurt me? What were you feeling when you texted me those lies? What about how you hated A so much? Here you are flirting as if you two were never exes in the first place. Whatever happened to boundaries? What did you see in me that made you want to fake all those good morning “meant to be heartfelt" texts? Could it be that you really don’t respect people’s feelings? If you could hurt me, what makes me think that you won’t hurt A as well? Or HAD hurt her for that matter.
How could I not have seen that you were out to humiliate me? You asked very personal questions, and I thought we were actually building a connection. Technically I was right, but that connection was for the wrong reasons. What made you think “oh I feel like humiliating her starting today”?
I cannot decide whether I find you extremely disrespectful or downright creepy. Perhaps even both. You show off a picture of A's face on your wall, right next to the one we took together and a group photo. Do those pictures bring you good memories, or do they just remind you of hurting us? I have no idea because I am merely speculating, nor do I want to find out.
I did have an admiration for you. Only until I put it together that you had ill intentions after all this time. I respected you because you seemed like a good leader; you checked up on us, gave words of exaggerated encouragement, as well as discipline. I can honestly say that your words do have wisdom to them; you are right about staying on good terms with everyone and cherishing our relationships. That led me to appreciate letting people know how much they mean to me, as well as appreciating loved ones more openly and often. I guess in a macabre way you did succeed in letting me know how you felt about me: an object, an accessory to your highly fabricated reputation.
However, I find it disgusting that your intentions were only to make up for your hurtful actions. I am at fault because I should have spoken up against this, but it is true that without you, our group would not have gotten this far. I thank you for your time and effort. Although I’m pretty sure many of those days that you did not have to come to rehearsals but did anyways were just to toy with me, or A. I worry for A and especially you. May you wake up and seek help before you seriously damage another person’s emotional health, just as you did mine. I find it incredible how deep I fell for you, although I must admit it did take some time for me to fall.
I now wonder how people actually perceive me. Am I just another nobody that you built a humiliating image upon to build up your own confidence? Or perhaps I overthink. Whatever they think, I know for sure that you are exactly what I needed to learn a valuable lesson. It is also another rude awakener to add to my collection of rude awakenings. I don’t live with regrets, or at least I’d like to believe I don’t.
You were and are special. I had a hard time seeing the same thing in my last partner, who was also hurtful. I see a sensitive, altruistic, and philosophical character in you beneath a sturdy armor of insecurities, manipulation, narcissism, and control issues. My mental image of you as well as our common interests was what made me fall for you, because I honestly thought I could reach that within you. I guess I was wrong, as I ended up being a victim of your abuse. You have almost succeeded in humiliating me.
The only thing that stops me from letting you win is knowing that I can and HAVE moved on. I can now add this to my experiences. I now know how to recognize it and cope with it. This will help me to work on breaking free. I know I will get through this.
My only fear now is that you, just as my last partner, will not leave me alone. You will find a way to come back under the guise of “instructor”. You will come back to visit and do the same thing again. This has made a drastic affect on my decisions of staying in the program. You affected everyone, including your closest friends with whom you’ve shared my personal info with. Perhaps I overthink, but I do get a feeling that that is true to at least some extent. I apologize for not making things clearer to you, and I forgive you for my own well being. You have some serious issues to work on, as do I because I did not stop my wishful thinking earlier on.
Wed September 25, 2013 02:03:37 am]
Wow, it definitely does sound like you've been drained but good for you for putting that negative energy out of you and venting. I hope you have the strength to see past that person's guise and stay as far away as you can. You know that you're better off for it.