Apr 2010 02

I seriously hate everything there is about me. There is NOTHING good going on in my life. College is a joke, my mom has THE SH*TTIEST credit everrrr so I cant get a large enough loan, and she cant afford to pay the remainder in time. So basically I'm leaving college. My brother and sister are dropout druggies...yet there lives seem much more happier than mine. Living on my own is great. I have electricity and water every night. I love how the school has a meal plan so I can eat every night. I have a boyfriend, but everything that could go wrong IS going wrong.When I'm alone, I think of different ways I could kill myself: pop pills, slice my wrists, drink bleach, drown myself...every little detail has been thought up. I want to die so badly. But everytime I'm about to, something tells me that life will get better. People who are capable of handling the sh*tty things are given a more difficult life to lead. So I tell myself that I am simply stronger. But things just keep getting sh*ttier. Totalled my car, shattered my foot, 2 warrents for my arrest in 2 states because I couldnt pay for my tickets, no health insurance, no money, no job, cant pay for college anymore, not smart enough for scholarships, now my boyfriend hates me...says he cant trust me. I cry in my sleep. I wake up with a wet face and the sniffles most mornings. I really wish I had a normal family. A life with less drama.

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