Jun 2013 05
Wed June 5, 2013 06:23:06 pm
When I first found this site and decided to come on here to \\\"Vent my feelings\\\" I was going to tell some dramatic version of my story to make it more interesting. Sarcasm is my thing, I guess a sort of defense mechanism for all the bulls**t that goes on around me. But frankly, I\\\'m so tired of pretending that I\\\'m okay, I figured I might as well be true to myself for once. I might ramble a but and it might be a bit long but I need to tell someone, even if it\\\'s a stranger on the other end of my computer screen. I\\\'m a 15 year old girl and a freshman in high school. My dad is a child molester, he molested my sister when she was 13 and I was too young to know what was going on. He thinks me and my brothers and sisters don\\\'t know because we were so young but we do. My sister sat us all down to tell us because she was finally ready to talk about it. And you know what my two older brothers had to say about the fact that our dad had molested our sister? All they said was, and I\\\'m quoting here \\\"Do you honestly think we want to know that about our dad?\\\" Yeah, great family, right? Anyways, my mom chose to stay with him which befuddles the hell out of me considering she was molested when she was 16 by several men and her mom also did nothing. Now my parents spend all their time telling us how they can\\\'t wait for us to leave, and kicking us out whenever they get the chance. It\\\'s a rare but beautiful thing when we actually have a few peaceful days in a row. My brothers and sisters have gone through the same thing I have but they resent me because they believe that I\\\'m the favorite; I don't see it. I've watched my brothers and sisters be beaten and belittled and been a victim of it myself. Being favorite must be code for the most hated because not only am I abused the same as they are but I\\\'m resented by the few people who would actually understand what I\\\'m going through. And then a few days ago I\\\'m walking through the kitchen and I see a knife sitting there and all I kept seeing in my head was a bloody me lying on the kitchen floor with my wrists slit. It seems like everywhere I go, I see that same knife to remind me that I really have no reason to live other than the possibility of going to hell, or at least that\\\'s the belief. I\\\'m digressing a bit but oddly enough my parents are \\\"religious\\\" and I\\\'ve been raised as a Christian my whole life. Yeah, they molest and beat children and then claim to love Jesus. I don\\\'t resent God for it, I promise. Anywho, I can\\\'t stop thinking, is it really worth dying over? And I know it\\\'s not but then something else happens that reminds me why I thought that way in the first place.
Wed June 5, 2013 10:38:21 pm]
I was sitting in a very similar situation not very long ago when I was your age. My parents would abuse me both physically and mentally, I was in constant anguish. I wanted to hang myself but never went through with it. Even after child services showed up not much changed, things actually got worse. There is one thing I realized that helped me keep going. That path is a long term solution for a short term problem. You are 15 now but before you know it you will blink and be 18, you will be able to live your own life. Just because someone hurts you physically doesn't mean they are the boss of your brain, physical pain passes in time, but no one but you has control over who you are and what you will be. I don't normally get religious, I prefer to use fact, but if you want to you can look at it this way. God has put you in this situation for a reason, you are who you are for a reason, that reason is just unknown to you as of yet.
Sun January 26, 2014 12:12:58 am]
You know, I hate to bring this upon anyone but it sounds like you need it just as much as anyone. There's a "switch" so to speak, in your soul that you can just turn of your pain. But it turns into anger. And it's more than just a coping mechanism, it becomes you. And you will realize you don't love, you don't care, you don't even hate. And it's disturbing. You will have no real relationships left after a time. But sometimes it's the only way to be happy, & it doesn't make you a coward. You can chose to feel any time you want but it has to be a conscious effort and it hurts like hell. I'm currently trying to reprogram myself to feel again, and it sucks. But I don't know where I'd be or if I'd even be alive right now otherwise. The switch is there for a reason, and in your situation I encourage you to use it. And to find some pure aspect in your life, for me it was my grandparents. And cling to that and you will be alright.